This is supposed to be subtitled, "The Fr. Bob Queries, Part 1"
Yes, there is this rumor that is just as humorous as the usual "just-make-the-news" things... people starting to make conclusions on certain things that have never been asked to me directly. There has been this news circulating among my former students (when I was a temporarily professed Salesian in Pampanga) that I have left the Salesians. There has been clamor for me to speak up. Much as I have wanted to keep things quiet and smooth, I realized that being quiet would give more harm rather than straightforwardedly say the truth... or so to say, it would give others the chance to be judgmental rather than understanding.
Technically speaking, I am still a Salesian. But I am presently stationed in a parish that is run by diocesan priests. Yes, I am in the process of undergoing the "trial period" paving the way to my incardination into the Diocese of Yokohama. Simply speaking, I am in the process of becoming a diocesan priest.
Others may see this with much regret. Others may even be awed at such a radical choice. But I think it is just me who thinks and feels otherwise. I do not feel any regret. I do not even feel it is such a big choice. Let's just call it, "the flow of events".
It started at around 2005. That was the time before I decided to ask my Provincial to let me stop working in the school and give me a full-time pastoral experience before I finally decide to renew my visa or just go back to the Philippines. The following was the letter I sent to him on the Feast of St. John Bosco. I HAVE NO INTENTION TO PUT DOWN ANYONE IN THIS LETTER AND THIS BLOG. LET IT BE CLEAR THAT ANY INTERPRETATION TO BE MADE BY ANY READER WILL NOT BE MY OWN INTERPRETATION. I AM JUST PUTTING THINGS CLEARLY AS IT IS. LET IT BE SO.
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31 January 2005
Feast of St. John Bosco
Dear Fr. Provincial,
Peace and blessings to you on the Feast of our Father and Founder!
I write you with the honesty of a son to a father. Two days ago, when I was the one who got your telephone call, you asked me if I was OK. I answered “Genki.” But when you said, “Yokatta!”, I realized I answered in the usual automatic way of saying “Fine” when asked “How are you?”. But honestly, I am not fine. I have felt this for many months already, especially in this school year.
To put it in simple words, I really feel that I am not growing as a Salesian priest. There have been changes in me since the time I arrived in Japan almost five years ago. I now have beard and a moustache. My white hairs are increasing. Though not yet very well, I can speak and understand the language compared to five years ago. I assume some teaching loads and responsibilities in my place of work. But all these are very external. What I have to admit now is that my heart and my soul is the same as it was five years ago. It has never grown. It has never deepened. It is so stale and never improving… I feel there is a danger in this. A stale heart will eventually rot away. If this heart will not grow, it will eventually die.
I have been contemplating these past weeks the causes of this. Allow me to name them and explain a little about them:
a) I have stopped praying with the community. It all started in Chofu, when there were times when I was late for evening prayers. I was somewhere, wondering around Tokyo. I was wondering around because I felt a sense of anger and disappointment at the inattention I felt given to me by the brothers. I felt that it was unfair since I gave them a lot of my time for them when they were in the Philippines. But just for a little help in the translation of my short homilies, I ended up asking no one because no one was available. I had to understand that everyone was busy with studies. But at the same time, I felt more offended when they started misinterpreting me and judged me as someone who loved the outside more than the community. And so, I had to stay up late in the evening translating every piece of idea and word for the homily the next day. Then, I would just wake in time for the mass of the sisters around. I could not yet express my anger well at that time. I kept them all in me. Little by little, my feeling for Chofu and the people there turned sour and I longed to leave the place very soon for Ikuei.
b) I have stopped praying even with the community of Ikuei. I joined the prayers during my first months but I lost taste for prayers in a community that tolerated the absence of confreres. Moreover, the prayers were fast and monotonous. The same people always led the prayers. Feast day or not, the mood of the prayers are just the same. I felt so down to realize the food was better than the prayers when it came to feast days. We talked about the news, about students with problems, about confreres in trouble, yet, I never ever heard any of those intentions said during our prayers except for the New Machida Campus Project. I believe that it was also my fault for not having the courage to speak. But the fact that I was the newest and the youngest at that time already gave me the impression no one would listen to me.
c) I really feel alone. I have no one to deeply share my insights and reflections. Well, there are Filipino missionaries around. But whenever I go with them I always get reactions from other confreres that I should be strict with myself and be limited only to the Japanese. But it is only in these times that I am able to share prayers and reflections. It is only in these times that I am able to at least compensate the lack of one thing that I have been very, very thirsty of during this past 5 years: the guide of a spiritual director. I really feel that I am in a desert now. I really feel very dry… no energy to work, no drive to improve, no sense of awe and joy in my work.
d) Working in Ikuei, I never ever felt I was a Salesian. In my first year, I was so enthusiastic about my work in Ikuei, even at least through teaching English Conversation. But in the long run, I felt that I was the same as the other teachers. When I wanted to do the least (but the best) a Salesian could do, which is assistance, all I get from students would be “Sensei, hima da ne!”. And to hear that from upper year level students truly disheartened me. The more it strengthened my impression that there is never any clear vision-mission in this school. The school is just like any polytechnic school. The students and teachers do not carry an impression that they are part of a Salesian school, or at least, of a mission school. If I would continue on being in this situation, I might as well work in a usual school as a usual teacher, I thought. But I am not. I knew I was a Salesian. I wanted to start something Salesian. But young and new as I am, even if I speak in the meetings for suggestions and comments, I felt none was taken after all.
e) If this letter is giving the impression that I am expecting so much from the places where I have been and am working now, I think it is also the same if taken the other way around. Chofu and Ikuei expected so much from me. In Chofu, they were balking me to learn Japanese fast, since they knew my knack for languages. But Ikuei gave a bigger impact in these expectations. When I arrived, I was introduced as the new in-charge of the Katorriku Kenkyuu. But I never knew what was to be done. No one even gave me a background about it. No one even taught me or handed me documents and records to talk about it. After 6 months, during a community meeting, confreres were complaining about the inactivity of the Kato-Ken. Then, Fr. Principal just turned his head to me and asked, “Have you done anything?” I could not answer because in the first place I did not know what to do. Then, I was hearing a lot of these news even from the Regional that the confreres of Ikuei are jealously guarding me from getting me away from the school.
It was only in the English Department that I got a good amount of coaching. I really am very thankful to the head of the Department for always sparing some time for me whenever I had to take on a new teaching load, or when I had to consult about certain things. This man is a family man. This man is a class adviser and has 18-20 hours of teaching load. Yet this man knew how and when to give his time. Once when he realized I was low in spirits, he invited me for dinner and there we talked about a lot of things. The only sad thing is that he is not my confrere.
In 2004, I have also assumed the Homestay Program. The first job was bringing our students over there for two weeks. The only records I received were the host family list and rough schedule. When I came back, I was given the rest of the records like the budget, the places to bring the Australians when they come, the schedule and host family list samples. Unfortunately, in the first time that I assumed this responsibility, some unforeseen and unfortunate things happened that dampened the whole spirit and enthusiasm of it. I might have had the best of intentions about the whole program, but in the end, I always had to ask myself, “Why am I doing a job that I came to know only when the list of responsibilities were given to us at the start of the school year? Why am I doing a job that those above never even first asked or consulted? Why am I doing a job which, in the first place, I do not even know why we do?”
Dear Father, for these past months, I have come to see myself as just a moving person… maybe nearly being a robot myself. I work and move just because not doing so would harm the usual cycle and rhythm of the routine already established even way before 2nd World War. But I am tired and I feel wasted. If I will be just told to just go on with the tide, I know and feel I would not be surviving this year anymore. If I just go on -- without at least stopping and getting into another realm of work that might fit my process for growth – I might just later find myself leaving the Congregation or the priesthood.
And so, please take “Genki” as an automatic answer. Honestly, I feel alone, I feel afraid, discouraged, disheartened and dispirited. In a simple word, I really feel burned out. I just want to stop what I am doing at present now and just feel that life that I have promised to be: a Salesian, a priest!
I really feel this is asking too much from you and rocking the boat too much, especially with the present situation of Ikuei. Maybe, this is also one reason that I have not spoken about this matter for a very long time and have let myself be taken by the flow. But I feel that I am going to explode any moment, and before that happens, I better take caution.
And so, I would like to ask your consideration if I be given a year first out of Ikuei… a year where in I could at least feel and practice everyday the very priesthood I have vowed to carry as a Salesian. (I would, of course, be still willing to assume responsibility for the three remaining works of this school year – just to ensure a smooth transition – which are the Asia-Australia Congree representation in India, the coordination of the IUS with Philippine Salesian Institutions, and the Homestay of the students in Australia this coming March.)
During the survey you have passed to each of us, I wrote in my first option about helping foreigners here in Japan. The second was being in a parish. The third, the school – (since I know I am never fit to handle formation). At the same time, I am entering the 3rd year of my visa as a missionary here in Japan. I feel that it is a very important discernment year for me. If I would be given the chance to maximize my time to practice my priesthood here in Japan for a year, and still would not make me grow and deep in my vocation, then, it could be a sign that I am not really fit for Japan and would might as well go back to the Philippines.
I leave it all to you now, Father. I have presented my present situation. I pray and hope that the Holy Spirit would guide us all in this path of discernment. I would also like to apologize for giving you a hard time just because of this. But in all truth, I only want to take good responsibility too in my path of on-going formation.
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