HAPPY PRIEST, UNHAPPY PRIEST

It’s Holy Thursday.  Some people are still in the church before the Altar of Repose.  I have spent quite a good amount of time before the Blessed Sacrament and thoughts just come one after another in my mind... thoughts that all go back to one thing:  the Priesthood. 

I am happy as a priest.  Count me as one of those who agree that, really, the PRIESTHOOD is one great pool of happiness!  (http://www.forbes.com/sites/stevedenning/2011/09/12/the-ten-happiest-jobs/)   I have dreamt of becoming a priest from the age of 9.  I was graced to have that dream come true on December 8, 1999.  I still do believe, feel and affirm in my heart that AS A PRIEST, yes, I am happy. 

But yes, it is not the happiness that the world usually interprets as “happiness”.  It is not yet, though, the happiness that can only be felt in Heaven.  Although, I can say, “It’s close!”  It is a happiness that is mysteriously there but will always be quiet in front of worldly affairs.  It is a happiness that is restless, because no other worldly attraction satisfies it.  It is a happiness that is, indeed, a gift, a grace, and a challenge.  

Were there times when I, as a priest, felt sad, lonely and even hopeless?  Oh... lots of times!  And on this day, Holy Thursday, the day we commemorate Jesus establishing the Priesthood, I once again face myself and ask, “When were those times when I was not happy?”  And the answers were these:

1) I was not happy when I wanted to stand out.  As a priest, it is easy to stand out.  You become an instant celebrity.  People look at you.  People look up to you.  People regard you as a pandora’s box of talents.  And so I showed what I can do.  I gave what I can give.  I danced.  I sang.  I opened up every nook and corner of whatever speck of talent or ability that was taught, developed or even experimented upon in my seminary years and thereafter.  You walk into a room and someone will shout your name after that “Father!”  Ah... the delight of being known in the midst of a crowd!... and that person’s not even a relative!  But let me be honest:  I do not really stand out when I realize there are experts before me.  They are the real ones.  I was a master-of-none.  

2) I was not happy when I craved for some special attention from specific people.  Call it whatever you like.  Interpret it in any way you like.  A best friend, a close friend, a friend-friend!  A parishioner, a student, a child.  An admirer, a messenger, a fan.  The world will call us “lonely”.  A lot of people sigh that it is such a waste we are alone.  And as human beings, there are times when we look for acceptance, friendship and attention a level higher than ordinary acquaintance, a level deeper than ordinary colleagues.  But let me be honest:  when I catch myself craving for the extra attention or that special acceptance, I realize that there is one important person whom I have ignored all along --  JESUS CHRIST. 

3) I was not happy when I longed for more things.   People love to gift priests.  They know in their hearts that giving us priests this thing or that, they, in some way, fulfill what Jesus, Himself, said,  “And whoever gives only a cup of cold water to one of these little ones to drink because he is a disciple—amen, I say to you, he will surely not lose his reward.” (Matthew 10:42)   Priests get financial assistance in the form of salary or allowance, too.  And since a lot of people give cash, goods and food to priests, they end up using the money they have for other things... things that surely do not really fit into the category of what we call “simple”, both in the eyes of the world and in the eyes of Gospel.    There wasn’t a few times when I was looking and craving to buy at the electronic store -- a new camera, the latest smartphone, the best laptop, a unique gadget.  I scanned and scanned through new clothes, shoes, caps and bags.  But let me be honest:  the more I come to have something, the more I craved for something new.  And the more I craved for more, the more I felt sad at one thing -- the reality of dissatisfaction.

4) I was not happy when my creativity was beyond the bounds of priesthood.  God has gifted me with words.  I can be creative with this gift.  God has given me other gifts.  I can be creative with them, too.  But let me be honest:  when I use my creativity outside church apostolate, when I use my creativity to spite, insult or put people down, when I use my creativity to make others selfish, materialistic or vain, I feel being thrown into a great void.  I have this great, nauseating feeling that I have wasted something.  It sometimes make me vomit just thinking I have thrown away something more valuable than losing a million pesos.  Who in the world becomes happy with that feeling?  

5) I was not happy when I got satisfied with the thought, “I am just the same as the rest.”  Oh yes, be with the people.  Or, as Pope Francis would say, have the “same smell as the sheep.”  I actually thought I had to be like the sheep.  I actually though I had to be, talk, move, dress up like the sheep.  I had “to blend” with the rest.  Let the people realize that goodness exists among them.  Eat what they eat.  Drink what they drink. Dance even wilder than any of them.  But let me be honest:  I realized that my line of thought was actually the thought of the Laity.  I forgot that I am of the Ordained.  

6) I was not happy when I did not pray.  This is obvious.  We have always been taught that the priest is an “Alter Christus” (another Christ).  A priest who does not communicate with the One he stands for will never be a true priest.  A priest who forgets that his prayer is never just a personal one, but that he must pray first the prayer of the Church, for the Church, will never grow and bear fruit.  But let me be honest:  l always struggle to pray.  And when I do not pray, I get more uneasy.  And when I get more uneasy, I look for other consolations the world can offer, consolations that I have conditioned myself to have.  And when I succumb to these worldly consolations, I get so thirsty in my heart... and I long for God.  Isn’t prayer that longing for God?  Yet, I find myself not praying...

... and the battle goes on.  

                                                                                         (photo courtesy of Ted Barrera)

To you who read this, please pray for this unworthy priest.