XVIII 02

Don Bosco Academy, Mabalacat, Pampanga (Junior & Senior High School Building)

August 2, 2016.  It is one year since I arrived in the Philippines, after 15 years in Japan. I have come up with 5 realizations about myself and the things I am thankful for today. 

1) I left Japan with a heavy burden in my heart.  It was a combination of frustrations, disappointments, discontentment, discouragements. When that ANA plane left Haneda Airport that morning, I felt something light descend upon my heart.  When it landed in Manila, I felt I was finally free from all that burden. No. I do not blame whatever and whomever I encountered in Japan.  Perhaps (hopefully, perhaps!) they did not mean any harm.  It was just that things did not fit anymore with personal expectations... things did not anymore serve to make me grow in my vocation as a Catholic, a Salesian and as a priest. I saw the worst in myself in those years, at the same time that many in Japan (both Japanese and non-Japanese) were thankful they saw what they regarded was my best. After a year, I still feel a great tendency in me to block off from my memory anything that I experienced in Japan, sort of like an unconscious tendency for a voluntary amnesia.  But I consciously refuse to do that, with some effort!  I admit I came back to the Philippines convinced I did not meet God in Japan. But now, I am getting more and more convinced I was actually encountering Him there. The mode of meeting Him was not as comfortable as I had expected.  And I resolve to be patient that I can, piece-by-piece, reconstruct the puzzle He wanted me to solve through those years.

2) A man of God should never make definite plans. Once a man of God becomes a man of God, he cannot anymore make plans for himself.  God takes over.  He becomes in-charge of his life.  A 15-year old priest like me should have known that even before. But I only came to realize that 15 years later! I already had a big plan when I came back to the Philippines. I was planning to study, too! The contact persons were all listed. The virtual schedule, enthusiastically lined up.  But all the circumstances for all these plans were not dancing with time. I was made to wait. I was made to stand and sit on the sidelines, living far from where I could have been. There were times I felt people looked at me suspiciously, like some fugitive-priest hesitantly given the least harmful faculty -- offering mass. I faced myself in the mirror and saw a "jobless" priest. I even had to reckon where I should live while waiting. I did not want to be a burden to anyone.  But God had other plans.

3) There will always be someone who will treasure you, respect you and value you. I felt really awkward seeing some of the people I encountered in Japan hold back their tears in the few, accidental, unplanned despedida moments for me. I felt grateful for this particular former student who came to the rescue and offered me his place for some days. I felt loved by my father's text message telling me that I "was always welcome" at home. I felt I was treated as a real brother by the Salesians who offered their places for any pastoral opportunity. I felt I was a treasure to be invited by the Rector of Batulao to stay for an indefinite time for prayer, silence and rest. And when I remember those days when you all gave me some words of welcome, encouragement, consolation and invitation, my eyes still fill up with tears of joy.

4) Take it easy. Be quiet. Let God do the talking. The first month in Batulao saw me literally not having any assigned work. It was the first time in my life when I was the one willing not to do anything at all... And Prayer was the best I could do.  I have opted to make the usual working hours of the Salesians and the personnel as my time of silence.  In those moments, the Scriptures paved the way for my silence to listen to this Caring God.  God does correct things in us if we have swayed from what we are supposed to be for Him.  There were years in Japan when I have lost the taste and longing to pray... a result of the unwilling mixture of stress, depression and discouragement.  But He does care: He gave me those many "free" moments to bring back that longing for prayer, to replant that urge to pray, and to let blossom the joy of fulfilling that time I have to give for God, as a man of God.

5) Don Bosco paved the way. "Bob, you're asking for a sign? Well. Don Bosco's 200 years old!", as my good friend (a Salesian priest) told me a day before St. John Bosco's 200th Birth Anniversary. I arrived at the school where he was because I was invited to be part of the instruments for the Holy Mass the next day. I, who opted to go away from Don Bosco's Congregation, was being invited to be part of this important event! In those days of confusion and sense of loss, the same Don Bosco (through his Salesians) was there to tell me that everything would be alright. It has been more than 10 years since I have played the trumpet. I cannot really say I flunked.  I knew I couldn't sustain those 2nd octave notes that long anymore. But this wonderful opportunity paved the way for many, many more Salesian things!... Hearing Confessions of the Caritas Don Bosco students (for almost a month), staying in Batulao and being made to feel that I was never an outsider, the warm and brotherly love of the Salesian Community of Batulao, the trust they gave me to teach the young over there, those confessions and masses for student-retreatants who came, the Salesian events I was given the opportunity to participate, the welcoming attitude of the Salesians I met (many of whom asked, "Are you coming back?", with those happy, expecting eyes -- some were even so direct to say, "Welcome back!", even when I wasn't even that determined and decided to come back yet.  And, of course, the highlight of those wonderful months: the coming of the Rector Major... Being so blessed to find myself staying in the same place where he stayed with the other General Councillors.  Our Blessed Mother had always been there, giving me hints and signs that the Salesian way was, truly, the best WAY for me.  The approval for me to enter the ad experimentum stage (and to be the Spiritual Moderator of Don Bosco Mabalacat) was given to me by Fr. Provincial on the day Mary, Help of Christians was re-enthroned in Manila Cathedral!

Don Bosco Batulao Community with the Rector Major (center)

All through the year that passed, it was like Don Bosco had always been there, waiting, ready to embrace me and tell me, "I had been waiting for you all these years. I am so happy to have you back!"
... Me, too, Don Bosco!  I am so happy to be back! ... I have never been this happy in life!

(Written during the late hours of August 1, while assisting and accompanying a section of our Grade 9 students of Don Bosco Mabalacat.)

with the loving Community of Don Bosco Mabalacat

June 5, 2016. 10th Sunday in Ordinary Time. A Reflection.

It is 2 PM, Sunday afternoon.  It is hot here in Mabalacat.  

It is the 10th Sunday of that time in Church calendar we call, “Ordinary Time”.   Nothing to celebrate like Christmas or Easter Season. Nothing to truly say we are rejoicing except in that very basic, Christian principle of the Lord’s Resurrection.  Ah yes, that's what SUNDAY really is. 

Our readings today speak to us of one word… one important word… one essential word for us to live our life as real children of God: HUMILITY. 

I feel ashamed to talk about Humility.  Why? The answer is simple.                   I am proud.  

But all the same, I am a priest.  I have to talk about it.  

And all the same, I am called to practice what I preach, as what the bishop told me when he handed me the Book of the Gospels during my ordination as a deacon. 

Anyway, so what does it mean to be HUMBLE?

People in Israel a long time ago actually considered widows as one of the most unfortunate people in their society.  They lost their value when their husbands die.  In fact, it was for them (although, not only them) that the early Church started ordaining deacons, so that they would not feel neglected by the Christian Community.  Widows were nothing in society.  Yet, it was to a widow of Zarephath that Elijah was sent by God so that her son would come back to life.  It was to a widow of Nain that Jesus showed compassion by bringing his dead son back to life.  It was to people who were considered “nothing” that God showed His wonderful Heart.  So, OK, this is what it means to be humble… to be like those widows… to be NOTHING… to have NOTHING. There is nothing in us that can truly make us worthy to stand before God. Not our bank accounts.  Not our educational attainments.  Not our fulfillments and successes.  Nothing.  And when we acknowledge our Nothingness, we are humble… and God loves us all the more!  The humble delights not on his own nothingness, but on the mere fact that he ONLY has God. 

We can also be HUMBLE like St. Paul.  Such a brilliant man… strong, fiery, filled with zeal… able to organize groups that persecuted Christians in his time.  Yet, after his conversion, he was never ashamed to tell people about his proud and persecuting past.  So that is humility… ACKNOWLEDGING our past, with all its sins, mistakes, embarrassments… no matter how sordid or trivial it was.  We need not broadcast them to the world and pretend we are the most sincere people.  But a stinky past can truly be a good buffer for our pride.  Acknowledging in concrete terms our own sinfulness prevents us from judging others and from putting them into boxes.  The least we can do is worry if they still continue to wallow in the mud of objective error. 

To be HUMBLE is to be like Jesus.  He was able to see beyond the person.  He was able to see the needy, have compassion for them… and HELP them.  It takes Humility to truly help a person.  It is because we help them not because they need us, but because we know they have nothing to hold on to.  Helping the needy removes us from the trap of self-centeredness… from the realization that there are people poorer than us, people who suffer more than us, people who have more painful situations.  And it is never an accident that we can see them and have pity for them.  For God, there are no accidents. 

I know I am not humble.  But I have to be one.  

And I thank God He gave me hints!

It is 3 PM.  God has blessed us with a downpour!  Thank you, Lord, for rain!

Amidst the Noise, a Persuasive Silence

Batulao. January 1, 2016. 12:05 AM. 

Sunset at Mt. Batulao (as seen from Don Bosco Batulao)

The firecrackers fill the darkness that blocks this place from the houses and revelry nearby.  The fireworks I see from this window are all far away… like small dandelions popping in the mixture of darkness, rainclouds and the night fog.  And in 

the interval of pop’s, boom’s, whistles and horns, 

the frightened dogs bark. 

It has been 14 years that I haven’t experienced New Year in the Philippines.  My last New Year’s eve was in Atsugi, Japan.  We had the Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament from 7 PM.  Families — many from South America — came and went. Then, there was the Benediction at 11:30.  And the Mass for the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God at exactly 12 MN.  No fireworks.  No firecrackers.  This was Japan.  The only noise were all in the train stations and the temples and shrines were the ordinary, “no-religion” Japanese would traditionally go.  But for us in this Catholic Church, we wallowed in the solemnity of the Holy Mass!

2015 will go down in my personal history as a violent roller coaster.  I can even make a highlight per month!  There was the strong impact and renewed zeal watching Pope Francis in the Philippines (through live streaming in my office in Japan), which led me to finally nail my decision to go back.  There were low emotional moments that led me to spend the time watching a movie, intentionally ignoring any text or call from worried parishioners.  There were moments of sleepless nights, palpitations, difficulty in breathing or even overeating.  There were moments when I literally felt I was the rope in the tug-o-war between sensibility and selfishness.  Anxieties.  Daring courage.  Surrender. 

But God is kind.  God is good. 

And so, here are the 5 lessons I learned from the roller coaster ride of 2015:

1) Prayer works!  Yes, not just the usual prayers, but silence, personal dialogue with God and a good investment of PRAYER TIME.

2) We may have our plans in life.  But it is always wise to remind oneself that this life is FROM God, this is life is FOR God.  My plans will only be secondary to His. 

3) It is never wise to ask God for a sign.  The SIGNS have always been there.  Better ask God to open your eyes to see those signs He had already placed all along. 

4) Less of self, more for others.  The years in Japan that taught me that discrimination is bad, that there are people in worse situations than myself, that any person around me is a CHILD OF GOD… it’s time to apply them now. 

5) Be faithful to your vocation, to the life God calls you to be.  That is the simple route to being happy. 

It is 12:35 AM.  The firecracker sounds have died down.  Yet, silence prevails.  Silence has won again.  Ah yes, silence is a good teacher.  It makes you pray… and makes you continue being generous to yourself by sifting through memories and find even the smallest of graces.   

TE DEUM LAUDAMUS!  

OLD WAYS, NEW CHRISTMAS

My first FULL Christmas in the Philippines… FULL Christmas, i.e., Simbang Gabi (Christmas Novena masses) included, after 15 years!

I was asked by the parish priest of my hometown (Binan) to help in the Simbang Gabi masses in two places near our house.   Perhaps because the masses were all done in the evening, I did not feel that tired to do the whole 9 days.  On the contrary, I felt there was much energy within me.  I felt more patient.  I felt more prayerful and reflective.  I felt there was so much to teach the people.  I felt the need to take advantage of the homilies to input some catechetical things to the people.  I was happy there were so many children in both masses.  I felt so grateful there were dedicated lay people who were there to organize, mobilize and animate the people.  Special mention goes to the Extraordinary Ministers of the Holy Eucharist and the altar servers who were always there in fair and rainy days.  I looked forward to these days.  I never felt tired.  I always felt challenged. 

On the last day, I was asked by the parish priest to also offer the Holy Mass in the nearby poor area.  (They always had the Liturgy of the Word and Communion only on the first 8 days!)  It was my 3rd novena mass for the night.  The choir was a group of poor kids, but they sang like angels with such great sense of harmony!  I was touched by the fervor of the people.  I was almost moved to tears, that on the last day of the novena for Christmas, I was offering the Holy Mass with the poorest of the poor.  I knew God was saying something here.  I knew this was really Christmas!

The 24th. Christmas Eve.  I asked the parish priest if I could concelebrate during the 10 PM Holy Mass.  The parish priest offered the 8 PM mass.  The 10 PM mass was supposed to be celebrated by the Assistant Parish Priest.  But because of some problems with traffic and the chaos of stalls, people, tricycles and cars, the Assistant Parish Priest could not arrive on time, and I was asked to start the Holy Mass as the Main Celebrant.  Oh yes, God’s great gift!… I was the main celebrant for the Christmas Eve mass of the parish church of my hometown!  Great Liturgy!  The altar was well prepared.  The altar servers were well dressed and were very solemn.  The grand choir was really grand!  The Christmas Manger was well prepared.  And the many, many faithful who came!  Many times during the mass, I found myself almost in tears.  “This is the Christmas I came from… THIS is the Christmas I came back to!”… and this is all a blessing… grace upon grace!

For this Christmas, I was given the grace of new friends, of new acquaintances, of a milder return to long-undone customs, of good laughs and wonderful exchange, of a feeling that says, “If only this were a continuous thing!”  Ah yes, this Christmas, God seems to tell me that I have already learned from my simple Japan Christmases and it’s time to go back to what I have first gone through in the past.  This time, the WORD MADE FLESH is an experience that takes on a more mature and deeper dimension of Faith.  It is funny though… this realization came from very simple experiences from usual and simple expectations!  (No wonder Jesus was born in a SIMPLE way!)

My first Christmas in the Philippines 

after all these years….

It just confirmed 

I have made the right choice to go back.  

And I am just filled with so much gratitude. 

Happy Birthday, dear Jesus!

NOTHING

There is something in being nothing. 

There is worth in being worthless. 

There is value in being unknown. 

This is what I understand and feel these days. 

I am not defined by what I am doing.  I am not ascribed as to what position I hold.   I am not even recognized with whom I belong.  There is nothing in me these days that can actually make me hold on to emphasize my value.  I cannot highlight what I did in the past precisely because it is past.  I cannot boast of anything that I have done because they all become irrelevant in this particular place, this particular time and situation.  This is just me.  

And, honestly, there is never any feeling of self-hate, self-condemnation or self-pity. 

Just. Me. 

Oh yes… there is something that holds on to being “me”… just one:  the Priesthood!

… something I cannot put aside, ignore 

or even pretend that it does not exist in me. 

The Priesthood is the only thing 

that brings me to understand myself. 

The Priesthood is the only thing 

that makes me look at the past as moments of learning, 

and that the future should be the generous response. 

The Priesthood is the only thing 

that makes me see the present 

as movements of the Hands of God.  

And all the rest is GRACE. 

THE TENTH DAY

So… what are the things I have been learning so far these past days?

That literally “doing nothing” makes you more ready to be silent and to listen. 

That being silent makes you more sensitive to the SIGNS God gives you. 

That being sensitive to the SIGNS makes you more aware of what you feel.

That being aware of what you feel makes you more ready to face your own fears. 

That facing your own fears, you come to realize that the only thing that matters is TRUST IN GOD. 

I am a person who loves to plan.  I love organization.  I love order and flow of things.  And faced with uncertainty since the time I arrived in the Philippines last August 2, the only choice I had to do was FACE UNCERTAINTY itself.   All along, my mind was bothered by questions like, “What do I do now?  Where should I go?”  But these questions pale in comparison to just literally doing nothing.  That is the point where God enters. 

I still have questions in my mind.  But I have opted not to ask them anymore.  I have decided to be PASSIVE this time.  Fear and doubt still cling.  They are like cobwebs that hang with determination on the window frame.  And this is a constant deciding to look beyond the window and appreciate the view.  

I still have issues to face.  But I have opted not to rush.  They will have their time.  I have decided to bring that TRUST IN GOD in this field as well… that God will bring me to the right people who will be willing to journey with me. 

I still have uncertainties before me.  But I have opted to accept them as “given factors” in life.  I have decided to appreciate what is given before me by God:  these great priests around me, their good example, their dedication, their peculiarities, too!… this time with them, their insights and reflections, their opinions and news, their wit and jokes (that really make me laugh my heart out almost everyday… it has been 15 years that I have not laughed like this!)… and of course, their simplicity and devotion in Prayer.  I cannot but treasure these days here.  

So… what have I been learning so far?  

That TRUSTING IN GOD is hard but possible. 

That possible things are made so by God. 

That God will always be there in every step of this journey. 

… and that I TRUST HE HAD ALWAYS BEEN SO even before this one.

… Grace upon grace has been given to me by God these days.  Lord, I hope You will be so kind to wait a little more… before I make a real, definite response.

(And to you, who have just read this, please say one Hail Mary for me.   I keep you, too, in my prayers.)

UNCERTAINTY, GRATITUDE, REST

COME TO ME, ALL YOU WHO ARE WEARY

Uncertainty.  Undefined path ahead.  And it brings me worry.  It makes me sink into anxiety.  

This has always been the feeling I had in the past, especially in the moments in the seminary when we had to submit our application letters to our superior.  This was the usual norm if we wanted to express our desire to be admitted to the next stage of our formation to the priesthood:  a handwritten letter expressing our desire, made freely in the spirit of prayer and discernment.  What comes after that is a period of worry… “Will I be accepted?  What if they reject me?  Where will I go from here?  Is there any other option if ever I don’t get accepted?”    And this kind of feeling?  Well, in the 17 years of formation that I had to become a priest, I had that feeling for like 10-12 times.  It did not last long.  Just a month or two. 

I have the same feeling again.  It is because of formalities.  

And as I come to get into this usual feeling, the worry comes up more than it was in the past because of the mere fact that there is no definite time frame ahead of this.  Would this be for a couple of weeks?  A month?  2 months?  3 months? 

Waiting does make you worried… especially when you realize that the waiting does not have a definite end.   People usually give limits to waiting:  9 months to meet a newborn child, 4 years to college graduation, 3 years to renew a visa, 15 days to a salary… perhaps the nearest I can be at this moment is the feeling of the unemployed.  Ah yes, that feeling.  “Will I be accepted?  Will I be secure in my work?  Will I have term limits?”  

Days have past since this feeling has bugged me.   And I realize that the anxiety of waiting also brings with it that feeling of gratefulness.  

Yes, gratefulness.

http://www.justcris.com/category/christianity/page/3/

JUST LIKE THE SHEEP

Grateful for the fact that I come to feel the very situation of what many of the unemployed feel: that anxiety of doing nothing, that temptation to fall into the stereotype of being “inutil” (useless), that worry if one’s personal funds will last.   I am very sure I will also be given the chance to practice my Priestly Ministry, perhaps even double or triple the load that I had in Japan.  But for now, I experience what the usual people experience.  I undergo the very worries they have for themselves and their loved ones.  I go through the same inconveniences they go through.  I pray the same things they pray for.  Grateful for this chance.  This is the real thing!  This is my little experience of what Jesus, Himself, has in being Immanuel (God with us). 

AND I WILL GIVE YOU REST

I am also grateful for the fact that I can rest.  I love being busy.  I love being “useful” for others.  There is this persisting temptation to fall into the feeling of being “needed”, of being “affirmed for what I do”, of being “praised and thanked for what I have done”.  But now, as I wait, all these have wait, too… and perhaps undergo purification.   But now, there is literally nothing to do.  My priesthood in this period of waiting does not have anything to do with “doing”.  It only thinks of BEING.  And BEING a PRIEST means being with God — spending more time with Him, spending time with His Word, being literally in front of Him in the Blessed Sacrament (longer than the usual busy priest’s day), loving the silence, getting used to having a Holy Hour with Jesus, reflecting on the past 15 years of priesthood and see the points where I have put myself over this Precious Gift, setting or resetting of priorities, conversion, self-renewal, getting ready when the go-signal comes…. 

My father told me something over the phone (after I finally got my mobile number).  It was because I told him I was going for a movie, something I haven’t done in the Philippines for a very, very long time.  He said, “Good!  Watch a movie!  Relax!  You have to honor those 15 years!”   And now, I honor those 15 years in Japan… those 15 years of adjustment, trepidation, thirst for God, yearning for meaning, discouragements, anxieties, humiliation, praise, support and prayers… with a much needed rest.  

So, this is what “doing nothing” feels!  
                                                                                                                    (Inspired by John 10 and Matthew 11)

http://cyberhymnal.org/htm/s/a/f/safearms.htm