Amidst the Noise, a Persuasive Silence

Batulao. January 1, 2016. 12:05 AM. 

Sunset at Mt. Batulao (as seen from Don Bosco Batulao)

The firecrackers fill the darkness that blocks this place from the houses and revelry nearby.  The fireworks I see from this window are all far away… like small dandelions popping in the mixture of darkness, rainclouds and the night fog.  And in 

the interval of pop’s, boom’s, whistles and horns, 

the frightened dogs bark. 

It has been 14 years that I haven’t experienced New Year in the Philippines.  My last New Year’s eve was in Atsugi, Japan.  We had the Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament from 7 PM.  Families — many from South America — came and went. Then, there was the Benediction at 11:30.  And the Mass for the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God at exactly 12 MN.  No fireworks.  No firecrackers.  This was Japan.  The only noise were all in the train stations and the temples and shrines were the ordinary, “no-religion” Japanese would traditionally go.  But for us in this Catholic Church, we wallowed in the solemnity of the Holy Mass!

2015 will go down in my personal history as a violent roller coaster.  I can even make a highlight per month!  There was the strong impact and renewed zeal watching Pope Francis in the Philippines (through live streaming in my office in Japan), which led me to finally nail my decision to go back.  There were low emotional moments that led me to spend the time watching a movie, intentionally ignoring any text or call from worried parishioners.  There were moments of sleepless nights, palpitations, difficulty in breathing or even overeating.  There were moments when I literally felt I was the rope in the tug-o-war between sensibility and selfishness.  Anxieties.  Daring courage.  Surrender. 

But God is kind.  God is good. 

And so, here are the 5 lessons I learned from the roller coaster ride of 2015:

1) Prayer works!  Yes, not just the usual prayers, but silence, personal dialogue with God and a good investment of PRAYER TIME.

2) We may have our plans in life.  But it is always wise to remind oneself that this life is FROM God, this is life is FOR God.  My plans will only be secondary to His. 

3) It is never wise to ask God for a sign.  The SIGNS have always been there.  Better ask God to open your eyes to see those signs He had already placed all along. 

4) Less of self, more for others.  The years in Japan that taught me that discrimination is bad, that there are people in worse situations than myself, that any person around me is a CHILD OF GOD… it’s time to apply them now. 

5) Be faithful to your vocation, to the life God calls you to be.  That is the simple route to being happy. 

It is 12:35 AM.  The firecracker sounds have died down.  Yet, silence prevails.  Silence has won again.  Ah yes, silence is a good teacher.  It makes you pray… and makes you continue being generous to yourself by sifting through memories and find even the smallest of graces.   

TE DEUM LAUDAMUS!  

OLD WAYS, NEW CHRISTMAS

My first FULL Christmas in the Philippines… FULL Christmas, i.e., Simbang Gabi (Christmas Novena masses) included, after 15 years!

I was asked by the parish priest of my hometown (Binan) to help in the Simbang Gabi masses in two places near our house.   Perhaps because the masses were all done in the evening, I did not feel that tired to do the whole 9 days.  On the contrary, I felt there was much energy within me.  I felt more patient.  I felt more prayerful and reflective.  I felt there was so much to teach the people.  I felt the need to take advantage of the homilies to input some catechetical things to the people.  I was happy there were so many children in both masses.  I felt so grateful there were dedicated lay people who were there to organize, mobilize and animate the people.  Special mention goes to the Extraordinary Ministers of the Holy Eucharist and the altar servers who were always there in fair and rainy days.  I looked forward to these days.  I never felt tired.  I always felt challenged. 

On the last day, I was asked by the parish priest to also offer the Holy Mass in the nearby poor area.  (They always had the Liturgy of the Word and Communion only on the first 8 days!)  It was my 3rd novena mass for the night.  The choir was a group of poor kids, but they sang like angels with such great sense of harmony!  I was touched by the fervor of the people.  I was almost moved to tears, that on the last day of the novena for Christmas, I was offering the Holy Mass with the poorest of the poor.  I knew God was saying something here.  I knew this was really Christmas!

The 24th. Christmas Eve.  I asked the parish priest if I could concelebrate during the 10 PM Holy Mass.  The parish priest offered the 8 PM mass.  The 10 PM mass was supposed to be celebrated by the Assistant Parish Priest.  But because of some problems with traffic and the chaos of stalls, people, tricycles and cars, the Assistant Parish Priest could not arrive on time, and I was asked to start the Holy Mass as the Main Celebrant.  Oh yes, God’s great gift!… I was the main celebrant for the Christmas Eve mass of the parish church of my hometown!  Great Liturgy!  The altar was well prepared.  The altar servers were well dressed and were very solemn.  The grand choir was really grand!  The Christmas Manger was well prepared.  And the many, many faithful who came!  Many times during the mass, I found myself almost in tears.  “This is the Christmas I came from… THIS is the Christmas I came back to!”… and this is all a blessing… grace upon grace!

For this Christmas, I was given the grace of new friends, of new acquaintances, of a milder return to long-undone customs, of good laughs and wonderful exchange, of a feeling that says, “If only this were a continuous thing!”  Ah yes, this Christmas, God seems to tell me that I have already learned from my simple Japan Christmases and it’s time to go back to what I have first gone through in the past.  This time, the WORD MADE FLESH is an experience that takes on a more mature and deeper dimension of Faith.  It is funny though… this realization came from very simple experiences from usual and simple expectations!  (No wonder Jesus was born in a SIMPLE way!)

My first Christmas in the Philippines 

after all these years….

It just confirmed 

I have made the right choice to go back.  

And I am just filled with so much gratitude. 

Happy Birthday, dear Jesus!

UNCERTAINTY, GRATITUDE, REST

COME TO ME, ALL YOU WHO ARE WEARY

Uncertainty.  Undefined path ahead.  And it brings me worry.  It makes me sink into anxiety.  

This has always been the feeling I had in the past, especially in the moments in the seminary when we had to submit our application letters to our superior.  This was the usual norm if we wanted to express our desire to be admitted to the next stage of our formation to the priesthood:  a handwritten letter expressing our desire, made freely in the spirit of prayer and discernment.  What comes after that is a period of worry… “Will I be accepted?  What if they reject me?  Where will I go from here?  Is there any other option if ever I don’t get accepted?”    And this kind of feeling?  Well, in the 17 years of formation that I had to become a priest, I had that feeling for like 10-12 times.  It did not last long.  Just a month or two. 

I have the same feeling again.  It is because of formalities.  

And as I come to get into this usual feeling, the worry comes up more than it was in the past because of the mere fact that there is no definite time frame ahead of this.  Would this be for a couple of weeks?  A month?  2 months?  3 months? 

Waiting does make you worried… especially when you realize that the waiting does not have a definite end.   People usually give limits to waiting:  9 months to meet a newborn child, 4 years to college graduation, 3 years to renew a visa, 15 days to a salary… perhaps the nearest I can be at this moment is the feeling of the unemployed.  Ah yes, that feeling.  “Will I be accepted?  Will I be secure in my work?  Will I have term limits?”  

Days have past since this feeling has bugged me.   And I realize that the anxiety of waiting also brings with it that feeling of gratefulness.  

Yes, gratefulness.

http://www.justcris.com/category/christianity/page/3/

JUST LIKE THE SHEEP

Grateful for the fact that I come to feel the very situation of what many of the unemployed feel: that anxiety of doing nothing, that temptation to fall into the stereotype of being “inutil” (useless), that worry if one’s personal funds will last.   I am very sure I will also be given the chance to practice my Priestly Ministry, perhaps even double or triple the load that I had in Japan.  But for now, I experience what the usual people experience.  I undergo the very worries they have for themselves and their loved ones.  I go through the same inconveniences they go through.  I pray the same things they pray for.  Grateful for this chance.  This is the real thing!  This is my little experience of what Jesus, Himself, has in being Immanuel (God with us). 

AND I WILL GIVE YOU REST

I am also grateful for the fact that I can rest.  I love being busy.  I love being “useful” for others.  There is this persisting temptation to fall into the feeling of being “needed”, of being “affirmed for what I do”, of being “praised and thanked for what I have done”.  But now, as I wait, all these have wait, too… and perhaps undergo purification.   But now, there is literally nothing to do.  My priesthood in this period of waiting does not have anything to do with “doing”.  It only thinks of BEING.  And BEING a PRIEST means being with God — spending more time with Him, spending time with His Word, being literally in front of Him in the Blessed Sacrament (longer than the usual busy priest’s day), loving the silence, getting used to having a Holy Hour with Jesus, reflecting on the past 15 years of priesthood and see the points where I have put myself over this Precious Gift, setting or resetting of priorities, conversion, self-renewal, getting ready when the go-signal comes…. 

My father told me something over the phone (after I finally got my mobile number).  It was because I told him I was going for a movie, something I haven’t done in the Philippines for a very, very long time.  He said, “Good!  Watch a movie!  Relax!  You have to honor those 15 years!”   And now, I honor those 15 years in Japan… those 15 years of adjustment, trepidation, thirst for God, yearning for meaning, discouragements, anxieties, humiliation, praise, support and prayers… with a much needed rest.  

So, this is what “doing nothing” feels!  
                                                                                                                    (Inspired by John 10 and Matthew 11)

http://cyberhymnal.org/htm/s/a/f/safearms.htm

"PORMA!"

I have been away from this blog a long time.  And there has been a lot of angst boiling up in me.  One of these is the anger I feel for “PORMA” priests. 
PORMA actually means “form” in English.  We usually used this word when we were in the minor seminary against some who wore the latest fad in fashion, walked as if they owned the world, acted as if they knew a lot of the world, but can never answer a simple question in class, flunks the simple tests, or even makes the best form before kicking a soccer ball and totally misses it.  PORMA.  Puro PORMA.  Yes, all form... no substance. 

Being here in Japan for almost 13 years, I feel like an impending volcanic eruption in my heart is about to happen against these PORMA priests, both here and those I see in the Philippines.  A lot of PORMA.  
Facebook allows me to see the world of some priests and those of others who are friends of friends and other friends.  Honestly, I am more impressed by those who are branded as “Traditionalists”.  Their uploaded pictures are always about their life as priests.  They are dressed as priests.  If ever they are in their casual clothes, you see them doing things that even children can appreciate.  Their status updates have sense, call for some thought or reflection, and even give information that can enrich your faith.  

As for the others.  Hmmm....  They say nobody has the right to judge others.  Yes, I dare not judge.  I am just here to express the impressions that come to me when I see their uploaded pictures and their status updates.   I see the status update of one priest and I immediately come to doubt if ever he was really aware WHO and WHAT a priest must be.  I see the uploaded pictures of this and that priest and only the word PORMA comes to me. 

Oh I did have my PORMA days as a young priest, too!  As a new priest, I felt I had something fresh to bring to this world.  As a newly arrived missionary priest here in Japan, I was aware I was bringing into this country the joy and active lifestyle of this “new generation” of priests from the Philippines!  I knew that eyes were on me.  I felt it was easy to become popular, especially in the circle of Filipinos.  You get to rub shoulders with the people whose status make you rarely see them in personal if you were in the Philippines.  I thought that the Mass has to be done in “performance level”.  Facial expressions, voice projection, and a stack of jokes and vocabulary for sermons mattered so much, I thought.  I was dressed well.  With a meager allowance, I was able to save and buy good clothes.    The only thing I was conscious of was that I should not look “baduy” (ill fashioned).  I am not handsome nor cute at all, but, just being a priest makes you become “handsome” or even “cute” to some.  You can actually feel it.  

The rise of awareness on the Tridentine Mass -- now, more properly called the Extraordinary Form of the Mass -- and the release of “Summorum Pontificum” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Summorum_Pontificum)  by Pope Benedict XVI got me knocked out of this “porma world”.  Of course, a big chunk of this “reawakening” is the realization that despite the growing popularity that I was coming to have (even among the Japanese Catholics in the diocese) I was still (and am still) a very sinful person... weaknesses that were cheated by false consolations of fame and good reputation.  I just felt I just needed to be PRIEST.  No... not just in the heart.  This PRIESThood needed to be felt by this being who has five senses, too.  I had to see myself as a PRIEST.  I had to feel myself as a PRIEST.  I had to smell that fabric characteristic of PRIESTs.  I had to hear myself being a PRIEST.  

I stopped singing in public (except if it is a prayer in the Mass).  I dared not join any dance.  I had to be firm not to join any of those parlor games that promoted physical contact.  In picture takings, I did not allow anybody to touch me.  If people have to realize that PRIESThood is such a holy thing, I had to start on it myself... acknowledging my being human and at the same time knowing it had to be “apart” from the usual thoughts of the world.  Yes, this body... this self.

It is hard.  It is hard when you have already crossed the line of being “like one of the rest”.   It is hard to come back to the very ideals you held dear in the very first days of seminary or in the very first years wearing the Cassock or the Roman Collar.  Sometimes, I feel like removing this white thing in front of my neck when I am in a public transportation.  Sometimes, I feel lazy wearing the cassock.  But I have to fight it, in God’s grace.    Usual Catholics may say, “Then, don’t wear it.  Lots of priests don’t wear it anyway.”  Yet, it’s like telling a policeman not to wear his uniform, or a married person not to wear his/her wedding ring.  Ah yes... I did not become a priest to become an “undercover” witness of the Gospel.  I belong to the more obvious category.  In some way, I do not need to open my mouth to tell people that I am a “Man of God”.  
Rather than be “like the rest of the guys”, rather than do things that even the usual men down the streets can do even in their sleep, if a priest just stays on BEING A PRIEST... he does not need to do any PORMA at all!

(... and the ranting goes on....)