HAPPY PRIEST, UNHAPPY PRIEST

It’s Holy Thursday.  Some people are still in the church before the Altar of Repose.  I have spent quite a good amount of time before the Blessed Sacrament and thoughts just come one after another in my mind... thoughts that all go back to one thing:  the Priesthood. 

I am happy as a priest.  Count me as one of those who agree that, really, the PRIESTHOOD is one great pool of happiness!  (http://www.forbes.com/sites/stevedenning/2011/09/12/the-ten-happiest-jobs/)   I have dreamt of becoming a priest from the age of 9.  I was graced to have that dream come true on December 8, 1999.  I still do believe, feel and affirm in my heart that AS A PRIEST, yes, I am happy. 

But yes, it is not the happiness that the world usually interprets as “happiness”.  It is not yet, though, the happiness that can only be felt in Heaven.  Although, I can say, “It’s close!”  It is a happiness that is mysteriously there but will always be quiet in front of worldly affairs.  It is a happiness that is restless, because no other worldly attraction satisfies it.  It is a happiness that is, indeed, a gift, a grace, and a challenge.  

Were there times when I, as a priest, felt sad, lonely and even hopeless?  Oh... lots of times!  And on this day, Holy Thursday, the day we commemorate Jesus establishing the Priesthood, I once again face myself and ask, “When were those times when I was not happy?”  And the answers were these:

1) I was not happy when I wanted to stand out.  As a priest, it is easy to stand out.  You become an instant celebrity.  People look at you.  People look up to you.  People regard you as a pandora’s box of talents.  And so I showed what I can do.  I gave what I can give.  I danced.  I sang.  I opened up every nook and corner of whatever speck of talent or ability that was taught, developed or even experimented upon in my seminary years and thereafter.  You walk into a room and someone will shout your name after that “Father!”  Ah... the delight of being known in the midst of a crowd!... and that person’s not even a relative!  But let me be honest:  I do not really stand out when I realize there are experts before me.  They are the real ones.  I was a master-of-none.  

2) I was not happy when I craved for some special attention from specific people.  Call it whatever you like.  Interpret it in any way you like.  A best friend, a close friend, a friend-friend!  A parishioner, a student, a child.  An admirer, a messenger, a fan.  The world will call us “lonely”.  A lot of people sigh that it is such a waste we are alone.  And as human beings, there are times when we look for acceptance, friendship and attention a level higher than ordinary acquaintance, a level deeper than ordinary colleagues.  But let me be honest:  when I catch myself craving for the extra attention or that special acceptance, I realize that there is one important person whom I have ignored all along --  JESUS CHRIST. 

3) I was not happy when I longed for more things.   People love to gift priests.  They know in their hearts that giving us priests this thing or that, they, in some way, fulfill what Jesus, Himself, said,  “And whoever gives only a cup of cold water to one of these little ones to drink because he is a disciple—amen, I say to you, he will surely not lose his reward.” (Matthew 10:42)   Priests get financial assistance in the form of salary or allowance, too.  And since a lot of people give cash, goods and food to priests, they end up using the money they have for other things... things that surely do not really fit into the category of what we call “simple”, both in the eyes of the world and in the eyes of Gospel.    There wasn’t a few times when I was looking and craving to buy at the electronic store -- a new camera, the latest smartphone, the best laptop, a unique gadget.  I scanned and scanned through new clothes, shoes, caps and bags.  But let me be honest:  the more I come to have something, the more I craved for something new.  And the more I craved for more, the more I felt sad at one thing -- the reality of dissatisfaction.

4) I was not happy when my creativity was beyond the bounds of priesthood.  God has gifted me with words.  I can be creative with this gift.  God has given me other gifts.  I can be creative with them, too.  But let me be honest:  when I use my creativity outside church apostolate, when I use my creativity to spite, insult or put people down, when I use my creativity to make others selfish, materialistic or vain, I feel being thrown into a great void.  I have this great, nauseating feeling that I have wasted something.  It sometimes make me vomit just thinking I have thrown away something more valuable than losing a million pesos.  Who in the world becomes happy with that feeling?  

5) I was not happy when I got satisfied with the thought, “I am just the same as the rest.”  Oh yes, be with the people.  Or, as Pope Francis would say, have the “same smell as the sheep.”  I actually thought I had to be like the sheep.  I actually though I had to be, talk, move, dress up like the sheep.  I had “to blend” with the rest.  Let the people realize that goodness exists among them.  Eat what they eat.  Drink what they drink. Dance even wilder than any of them.  But let me be honest:  I realized that my line of thought was actually the thought of the Laity.  I forgot that I am of the Ordained.  

6) I was not happy when I did not pray.  This is obvious.  We have always been taught that the priest is an “Alter Christus” (another Christ).  A priest who does not communicate with the One he stands for will never be a true priest.  A priest who forgets that his prayer is never just a personal one, but that he must pray first the prayer of the Church, for the Church, will never grow and bear fruit.  But let me be honest:  l always struggle to pray.  And when I do not pray, I get more uneasy.  And when I get more uneasy, I look for other consolations the world can offer, consolations that I have conditioned myself to have.  And when I succumb to these worldly consolations, I get so thirsty in my heart... and I long for God.  Isn’t prayer that longing for God?  Yet, I find myself not praying...

... and the battle goes on.  

                                                                                         (photo courtesy of Ted Barrera)

To you who read this, please pray for this unworthy priest.  

Of Cassocks and Clericals

It was one of those hot and humid rainy days in 1991.  I was with another seminarian.  From our seminary in Canlubang, we went to Makati for an errand and another one in Mandaluyong.  Since we were near the Makati-Mandaluyong Bridge anyway, we crossed the bridge walking to the other side.  Ah yes, that day, I was wearing my white cassock in hot Metro Manila. 

That was 1991, in my 2nd year as a professed Salesian religious, still savoring the joy and enthusiasm of finally coming to offer myself to God.  I was in the early stages of finally wearing that SIGN that made me different from other men my age.  It was a SIGN.  And the more I take care of this SIGN, the more I got conscious of the fact that I have “left the world”, am not anymore “part of the world” and that my state of life was a “foretaste of Heaven.”

What made my day memorable was not because I crossed the Makati-Mandaluyong Bridge in a white cassock, but because of what an elder priest told me some days later in the seminary:  he scolded me for wearing the cassock that day.  That was what I remember more.  What reinforced the memory was that I became the laughing stock of my co-seminarians. 

I remembering seeing those priests in Don Bosco when I was still a pre-schooler.  The mere remembrance of those priests in cassocks gave me a feeling of being “with God”, of being safe and secure, that I was in good company.  

I remembering seeing my own brother wear that white cassock for the first time way back in 1979.  From that time on, I also felt very strongly that he was not anymore a man of this world, but a man of God.   When my brother would come home for vacations, I would look with awe at that long piece of white cloth hanging behind the door.  He would bring this cassock with him when he’d go to the parish church for daily mass.  At other places, he would be wearing this cream or blue polo shirt (a clerical) whose collar is especially tailored to tuck in a “collarino”, the small version of the Roman Collar.  

I remembering seeing all these young men starting to wear their cassocks at the age of 18 or 19 and put on the Roman Collar when they had to go to classes, travel, or any other activity that was outside the Liturgy.  The other groups that followed my brother all had the same aura of those years.  When you see them wear those cassocks and clericals in the first years of their vows as young Salesian religious, there was only one thing that fired up in my heart:  my time will come, too!

Investiture Ceremony, Don Bosco Canlubang, 1990

And it did.  The Investiture Ceremony of April 8, 1990 was a very touching moment. This cassock that was now being vested on me was to be the definite SIGN of my commitment to God.  I cried with joy when it was put on my shoulders.  I cried more when I went to sacristy with my parents as the rest of the buttons were put on.  That day, the world came to know I have decided to be for God alone, and its SIGN was the cassock.  

It was unfortunate that by the time we started wearing the cassock and the clerical, it was already the 90’s in the Philippines.  The men whom we looked up to, who bravely and proudly wore their cassocks or clericals in their younger years, were now the ones going around in their t-shirts, ordinary polo and jeans. The clericals we wore were getting into a new “way of wearing” it:  unbutton the collar and let that white collarino hang from the left or right slit. It would just take a few years when some of us would start wearing the clerical instead of the cassock during Holy Mass and ordinary polo shirts or t-shirts instead of the clerical.   It was in my generation when the clerical became the shirt for formal occasions, or the usual class uniform for Theology.  The collar... well, they would come in handy for photo sessions. 

Uniqlo lahat yan!

The "Hide-the-Roman-Collar" way

I started wearing ordinary polo shirts and t-shirts even from the time I was still a seminarian.  I still wore the cassock for masses.  The clerical, I only wore them during classes and for serious occasions.  At other times, “Bosconian-be-proud” t-shirts, branded t-shirts gifted to me, polos of good taste....  During vacations, I even stopped bringing the cassock home.  The clerical was more convenient... you slip that white collar in for mass, and then do the hide-the-collar-within-the-slit after mass.  Convenience:  that was the word of the time!  Then, often, the good clothes I received as gifts were better.  I felt more free.  I did not need to be stared upon.  It was just so easy to “blend” into society. 

My first 10 years in Japan brought me a good “repertoire” of clothes I chose and bought.  I consider myself lucky for having a noisy family who critiqued my choice of colors and coordination during my childhood.  I was proud to be able to dress up in good taste.  I knew I was not “baduy”.  

Before watching SUMO

But being in Japan also made me think.  This is a country that is proud of uniforms.  The school uniform is considered formal attire and kids can wear them even during funerals and weddings.  Companies who don’t have uniforms have badges that they proudly wear on their business suits.  Buddhist priests go around in their black kimonos.  Policemen-on-break wear dark blue jackets over their uniforms just to show they are “off-duty”.  Walk around the hospital and you know who is a doctor, a nurse or the office clerk.  Why, even the traffic coordinator in construction areas wear that familiar blue overall, luminous vest and that helmet that makes you produce liters of sweat in mid-summer!  It made me think...  I, a priest... and the whole world does not know.  I, a man of God... and the whole world does not know.  

And so, after 10 years of priesthood, I decided to go back to the cassock and the clerical.  It took quite a time before I could do this again.  I had to ask people -- who mostly said they’d prefer me wearing what a priest should actually and always wear.  I had to consider my budget -- which, by God’s grace has always been stable.  I had to sort of like dig into my heart, search for those feelings of awe, admiration and joy that I had when I was a pre-schooler and as a young seminarian.  

It was actually funny to think that it took me some time to finally resolve to go back to the cassock and the clerical.  It’s funny because I did not need to think of the obvious!!!

So, what were the factors that led me to wear the cassock and the roman collar again?

1. My Franciscan Conventual classmate in theology was assigned temporarily in Okinawa.  By the time he was asked to go to their church in Tokyo, I invited him for dinner in downtown Shinjuku.  We agreed to meet at the most crowded station in the world, Shinjuku Station.  And there he was, walking in the middle of a sea of passengers going through the exit... in his Franciscan Conventual gray habit!  And I?  In  my Uniqlo attire -- from jacket to socks!  Honestly, I felt ashamed.  I thought this guy was brave enough to go through a crowded station of a non-Catholic Japan in his religious habit.  For him, he said he was just doing the obvious. 

2. If you see a Buddhist priest standing and praying with a begging bowl in front of train stations, chances are they are not real Buddhist priests.  They are fake.  They just stand there to collect money for their daily living sans proper work.  Yet, they are dressed to the detail.  I was moved to think that if people who are not really so can dress up well as if they are the real thing, what about a real priest dressing up as a real priest!

3. I noticed that a seminarian is so proud to wear his cassock (or religious habit) in the first years.  Then, after some years, content himself with ordinary, casual clothes as he grows older and older.  Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? That one’s deepening of religious life can be seen even in one’s externals?  And so, I’d rather be  a good example to these young seminarians.  

4. I also thought the cassock and the clerical are all part of the past.  Or that it was the way people dressed before.  But if we have to stick to that “evolving” mentality, then, the cassock has become the SIGN of one’s detachment from the world.  It shows one is not carried away by the flow of fashion and personal taste.  It is a great prevention from the temptation of vanity and a good assurance of one’s poverty (since you always wear them, wash-and-wear style). 

5. I do not go with the thought that not wearing the cassock or the habit makes you be a “part of the world” or that you can easily “blend” into society.  I also do not go with the idea that wearing the cassock or the habit is not a good sign especially among poor people because they cost a lot.  Well, for what I know, Mother Teresa was concretely part of society.  She was with the poorest of the poor.  

at a park for a Pastoral
Area celebration

6.  A parishioner in the parish where I am now had not been going consistently to church for many years.  She had mixed feelings.  She said she was so busy with work.  But at the same time, she also felt that the priest at that time was not as visible.  When she accidentally came to church on the first anticipated mass that I celebrated after my transfer here... and saw me wearing the cassock... she immediately told herself that things in the parish will definitely be better.  (Well, that’s quite a nice encouragement for me.)  She was able to trust more because she saw this visible SIGN being worn by the priest.  I take this mother as a representative of the many who have already affirmed me for wearing again the cassock or the collar, as well as their own wish that all priests do the same.  

With my Canossa
elementary batchmates 

7.  And factor number 7 is this:  I just need to be who I really am, a priest.  It is not just the heart.  It is not just the mentality.  It is not just the way of living.  It is not just in the way I fulfill my priestly ministry.  If I have to be a priest, I have to be a priest 100%... and that includes what others see, the externals, the tangible.  Sometimes, it really is uncomfortable, especially when it’s hot and humid.  But I did not become a priest to be comfortable anyway.  Here is a ready-made-cross for all occasions and weather conditions!  Here is a handy reminder to my very self of what I am really called for.  

Dear young seminarian, be always happy and grateful to God for the gift of your vocation and commitment shown through your cassock or your clerical.  Yes, be always grateful.  Never content yourself on the comforts of what ordinary, casual clothes can give you.  Never desire to be “invisible” in this world.  You chose to walk that path to the priesthood, a path that has never taken any “undercover” role in the world of evangelization.  (Leave that  to the lay!)  Take care of that cassock.  Respect it and don’t let it just hang around as some piece of rag.  Take care of your collar.  That collar is meant to be shown, not hidden or tucked in.  Let your cassock and clerical be your instant instrument of evangelization.  Let them also be your instant shield from temptations.  Let them be instant reminders to you and to others that God is just among us... yes, just here among us!

Come, Lord Jesus!

Adventus. Coming.

Jesus is coming. He did promise it. He will surely fulfill His Promise.

He had done it in the past by becoming like us.

He had done it in the past by suffering and dying on the cross.

He had done it by rising from the dead.

Jesus fulfills His promises. Why would He not fulfill His Second Coming?

Oh yes, Jesus, come! Come quickly!

This world is such a desperate world!

So much individualism. So much indifference.

So much of all what can never be imagined.

Come, Lord, come quickly, and save us all!

I live in a world that has taken the human being as what can be done than just what the human is. I live in a world that has made the function greatly exalted and has thrown identity away. I live in a world that has taken practicality as the norm and has trampled on the principles that have led us through hundreds of years.

Come, Lord, come! This world is taking me away from You!

Come and pull me back to Your arms and let me hear Your gentlest of heartbeats.

Oh, yes, if only, You can come now. For this world is just too much to bear.

Image taken from: http://www.oneyearbibleblog.com/2005/12/december_31st_r.html