BULLY

Do all people encounter being bullied from the time they become aware that they are not alone in this world?   If you can just recall the earliest feeling that you were bullied, when would that be?  Where would that be?  Who do you think did something that made you feel you were bullied?

I am thankful to God that I have a good memory.  Some people here in Japan warn me that I can actually lose this strong memory when I get old... I really don’t know.  It can be close to Alzheimer’s.  Or it can really be Alzheimer’s itself!  But before I get to that stage, before I get to that age when I would actually actuate and remember things so remote, I might as well first apologize to the people who would be taking care of me at that time, for all the burden and for all the trouble it might bring them.  I do hope that when that happens, my innocent, remote memories could bring more smiles to you and make you pray to God more and more. 

I will be turning 45 soon.  And my earliest memory was way back around the time I turned 1.  It is because I still remember the name, “Paula”, the name of our housemaid, then.  As early as that time, I knew that my brothers and sisters had to go to school.  I remember that blue Canossa school bus (whose shape is like the Neko-Bus of the Japanese Anime, “Totoro”) with a number “2” stopping in front of our house, reversing into the small alley behind it and going out of that narrow road beside our neighbor’s.  I remember that big, blue car that we had, where the front seat was long enough for me and my other brother to sit between our parents.  I remember that brown Radiowealth TV.  I remember the cool breeze coming from the ricefields nearby.  I remember the orange sofa.  I remember our stairs used to appear they were so many and so high.  

It has become common nowadays to use the word, “BULLY”.  Here in Japan, some bullied kids, as young as in primary school, have even committed suicide.  It is a word that is now familiar even in the workplace, in the neighborhood, among relatives and friends.  It is a word that makes everyone become vigilant on how to prevent it.  It is also a word that angers anybody after someone suffers badly because of it. 

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If I were to look back at the past 45 years, I can see that many of the hurts I still have in my heart were a product of consciously or unconsciously-done bullying.  And from these, allow me to share some lessons that we can apply in life. 

GOOD WORDS START AT HOME.  We, Filipinos, love name-calling.  We are very, very skilled in coining and inventing words to describe a certain characteristic of anybody.  But it is important that parents should start getting vigilant at what their kids say to each other.  Parents and elders should immediately stop kids when they say words that offend or make the younger ones cry.  Some words may be heavy, like “Gago” (Dumb) or “Hindi kaya” (Unable).  We may lightly call it “TUKSO” (Just teasing) or “Tinutukso ko lang naman, eh!”  But a child cannot fully grasp what is the humor behind it.  Worse, it can even pave the way for a child to walk the path of low self-esteem or no self-confidence at all.  The child would be lucky if he comes to have good friends outside the home who can actually show him that there is something great budding in him.   (That is, IF, he gets to know good people! )  We should encourage encouraging words at home, maybe even make it a home ritual!   We do not need to succumb to uneasy or corny feelings when we say affirming and supporting words.   It is at home where a child learns to be nice.  It is at home where a child first hears the good.  

LET YOUR WORDS BE YOUR ACTIONS.  I am one of the few (or many) who get to school and gets teased for acting or speaking just because I could not do “like the usual boys!”   In the seminary, they have a word for that, “SOFTIE”.  You get to hear that when Father Principal calls you to echo the remarks of the superiors after they have met to deliberate our conduct grade.  “You are soft.”  “Your way of speaking, make it more manly.”   It goes on even in our seminary years as young adults when sometimes I see somebody smurking behind me just because my inflections or actuations are not as “manly”.   And please, let us not think of this as some advocacy to justify sexual orientation or for whatever “alphabet movement” there is in society nowadays.   This is just an issue between what is “softie” and what is “manly”.   Honestly, I would get out of the office of the priest with an open sense of obedience -- that what I have heard was God’s will! -- but at the same time a silent scream of protest against some force.  I would have appreciated it if my superiors have praised my eloquence and good pronunciation.  I would have appreciated it if I was told to be more GENTLEMAN, rather than “manly”.   Come to think of it, even in the seminary, the “manly” seminarians were those who were excelling in sports.  However, if I look back, the same “manly” great players were also the same ravage eaters in the refectory (bakaw), the same beastly selfish we-can-get-away-with-it-because-we’re-not-caught people (nakakalusot), the same minimalist students in class (dinadaan sa patawa).  Now what is “manly” in that?  Jesus is a MAN.  A Male MAN.  A Manly MAN.  Don Bosco was, too.  They are the real “manly” ones.  They were gentlemen, full of love and firmness in convictions.  Their words.  Their actions.   Not their actuations!

RESPECT THE ONES BEHIND YOU.  The first Sunday that I served as a deacon was some days after our Diaconal Ordination.  It was very ironic.  The priest whom I served was someone who was ahead of me since our minor seminary days.  Even from that time, I knew he did not like me. (He did not need to like me, anyway!)  There was always something that would make him comment on my good work, say words that make others laugh at me, make faces of disbelief.  He became a Salesian. Years later, I also became one.  He is still a Salesian. I am not anymore.  I was very good friends with his classmates.  He was someone I came to dread.  Honestly, until today, I still do not like to meet him.  I still do not even like to see him in some pictures I see in Facebook!  Until now, I can still say, “He is the bully personified!”   No, I don’t despise him.  In fact, I forgive him.  But the trauma still stays.   This is a good lesson:  that there will always be someone younger than us, perhaps, someone not yet even born, who would be better than us, who would produce good ideas that can drive a community, who can be an inspiration.  They deserve respect from us, their elders in life and experience.  It is easy to distinguish a challenge from a discouragement.  It is naturally felt.  (Kudos to some of my junior companions in the seminary and former students who now serve as dedicated inspiration for me in their fidelity, convictions and deep faith!)  

APPRECIATE WHAT IS PROPER.   I remember in our minor seminary days, many of us, classmates, opted to go and visit the Blessed Sacrament after supper.  (We usually do our personal prayer in these moments.)  And so we went into the small chapel of the seminary.  This classmate of ours who led the prayer started uttering half-jokes and humurous intentions that made many laugh.  I kept my composure, thinking that I just had to keep on being serious, (because we were inside the chapel!) in respect to Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament.   When the prayers were finished and we got out, word came to me that this guy told the others, “Beware of plastic people, like THAT Bob!”  I just wonder what made me plastic that time.  I just did what I had to do.    This goes on until now.  You do your priestly duty well, you are the one who gets mocked.  You wear what a priest should wear, you get branded as “so 17th century!”   You wear your Roman Collar when you go out, and another priest in his casual clothes would sarcastically say, “Hey, we’re safe, we have a PRIEST among us!”    People who do what they have to do, the PROPER thing, at the PROPER time, in the PROPER place do not deserve to be bullied.  They are encouraged. 

PROPER EXAMINATION OF CONSCIENCE.  One beautiful thing I learned in the seminary was to keep quiet for some minutes before sleeping and look back at how the day transpired.  The Examination of Conscience before sleeping is a very important prayer and routine.  It makes you see and face the past day with a sense of courage: to face your fears, your disappointments, discouragements and sorrow, especially in those moments when you have been hurt by someone who consciously or unconsciously bullied you.  It also makes you brave enough to face and confront yourself in those moments during the day when you have been the bully yourself -- when you laughed with others at the honest mistake of someone, when you made joking but hurtful comments on the clothes or physical appearance of another, when you purposely showed force because you did not want to be dominated upon, when you said scathing words with the intent to leave a scar on that person’s heart.  The Examination of Conscience humbles you.  It makes you say sorry to God before your sleep.  It gives you hope for another day... another day, hoping that you and others would be gentle and kind to one another.  

Oh I still live with it.  I still carry the hurt in me.  It really does take time for all these to shed. I sometimes see myself confronted by these hurts when some trouble, problem, or situation stimulates me again.  I can feel some shiver traveling through my body, some floating feeling.  Then, I get awakened to the reality that I, too, have been a bully to someone for sure!

For those whom I have hurt. 
For those whom I have unconsciously bullied with ill words and arrogance. 
For those whom I may have incurred any scar in the past. 
I am very sorry. 
I have learned my lesson.  
And I still hope and pray
that I walk the path of Jesus, Himself. 

You are in my prayers!