UNCERTAINTY, GRATITUDE, REST

COME TO ME, ALL YOU WHO ARE WEARY

Uncertainty.  Undefined path ahead.  And it brings me worry.  It makes me sink into anxiety.  

This has always been the feeling I had in the past, especially in the moments in the seminary when we had to submit our application letters to our superior.  This was the usual norm if we wanted to express our desire to be admitted to the next stage of our formation to the priesthood:  a handwritten letter expressing our desire, made freely in the spirit of prayer and discernment.  What comes after that is a period of worry… “Will I be accepted?  What if they reject me?  Where will I go from here?  Is there any other option if ever I don’t get accepted?”    And this kind of feeling?  Well, in the 17 years of formation that I had to become a priest, I had that feeling for like 10-12 times.  It did not last long.  Just a month or two. 

I have the same feeling again.  It is because of formalities.  

And as I come to get into this usual feeling, the worry comes up more than it was in the past because of the mere fact that there is no definite time frame ahead of this.  Would this be for a couple of weeks?  A month?  2 months?  3 months? 

Waiting does make you worried… especially when you realize that the waiting does not have a definite end.   People usually give limits to waiting:  9 months to meet a newborn child, 4 years to college graduation, 3 years to renew a visa, 15 days to a salary… perhaps the nearest I can be at this moment is the feeling of the unemployed.  Ah yes, that feeling.  “Will I be accepted?  Will I be secure in my work?  Will I have term limits?”  

Days have past since this feeling has bugged me.   And I realize that the anxiety of waiting also brings with it that feeling of gratefulness.  

Yes, gratefulness.

http://www.justcris.com/category/christianity/page/3/

JUST LIKE THE SHEEP

Grateful for the fact that I come to feel the very situation of what many of the unemployed feel: that anxiety of doing nothing, that temptation to fall into the stereotype of being “inutil” (useless), that worry if one’s personal funds will last.   I am very sure I will also be given the chance to practice my Priestly Ministry, perhaps even double or triple the load that I had in Japan.  But for now, I experience what the usual people experience.  I undergo the very worries they have for themselves and their loved ones.  I go through the same inconveniences they go through.  I pray the same things they pray for.  Grateful for this chance.  This is the real thing!  This is my little experience of what Jesus, Himself, has in being Immanuel (God with us). 

AND I WILL GIVE YOU REST

I am also grateful for the fact that I can rest.  I love being busy.  I love being “useful” for others.  There is this persisting temptation to fall into the feeling of being “needed”, of being “affirmed for what I do”, of being “praised and thanked for what I have done”.  But now, as I wait, all these have wait, too… and perhaps undergo purification.   But now, there is literally nothing to do.  My priesthood in this period of waiting does not have anything to do with “doing”.  It only thinks of BEING.  And BEING a PRIEST means being with God — spending more time with Him, spending time with His Word, being literally in front of Him in the Blessed Sacrament (longer than the usual busy priest’s day), loving the silence, getting used to having a Holy Hour with Jesus, reflecting on the past 15 years of priesthood and see the points where I have put myself over this Precious Gift, setting or resetting of priorities, conversion, self-renewal, getting ready when the go-signal comes…. 

My father told me something over the phone (after I finally got my mobile number).  It was because I told him I was going for a movie, something I haven’t done in the Philippines for a very, very long time.  He said, “Good!  Watch a movie!  Relax!  You have to honor those 15 years!”   And now, I honor those 15 years in Japan… those 15 years of adjustment, trepidation, thirst for God, yearning for meaning, discouragements, anxieties, humiliation, praise, support and prayers… with a much needed rest.  

So, this is what “doing nothing” feels!  
                                                                                                                    (Inspired by John 10 and Matthew 11)

http://cyberhymnal.org/htm/s/a/f/safearms.htm